American Apparel. Cream

This started out at joke tshirt to remember the good 'ole Michael from the 80s, but now it's taken a serious turn in its meaning with his sudden death today. I know Michael has meant a lot to me and my wife...heck, we even danced a crude version of Thriller at our wedding. And my wife used to have Michael Jackson parties growing where she would invite her little friends over, turn up Michael, and jump around the room! His departure is just shocking and sad.

We'll always love you, Michael.

Steven Chu, meek, yet badass physicist who is now our Secretary of Energy. Hang on to your seatbelts as he totally unf*cks this country's energy problems!

Viva La Electrocutión!

Fun Fact: He also taught himself how to pole vault using bamboo poles obtained from the local carpet store.

American Apparel. Guys & Girls (Revolution) Red.

So listen up!

But if you haven't seen Twin Peaks, you can pretend that this shirt is about your phallus OR your feces.

   You’ve all heard of regular discrimination, like when you learn that someone is from Mexico. Well, I'm here to tell you about another kind of discrimination that you may not have heard about. Tallscrimination, or the discrimination against Talls, occurs when a member of society is much taller than the other members of society and then that member suffers because of nothing they did. There are a bunch of symptoms so I’ll just tell them all.

    One thing you might not think of is that often beds are too short for Talls. Their feet hang off the edge and get all cold because they are exposed—and their feet already don't get enough blood because Talls have worse circulation than normies (normal people). One solution to this is that you put a chair with pillows on it at the foot of the bed. But this can lead to embarrassment when guests are given tours of your house.

    It is also hard on your posture; nothing is right for a Tall. Either your are ducking under basketball hoops or bending down to get things off the top of the fridge. This makes a straight spine nearly impossible and requires several visits to the chiropractor, where you are charged for the extension they have to put on the examination table.

    Sometimes the Talls are afflicted by nudity due to clothing shortages. Other times the Talls suffer from “Angel Falls Syndrome,” when their urine stream is mistaken for the tallest waterfall in the world. This affects mainly male Talls. Oh and one last thing. When you’re a Tall, lots of things are too low for your head and you wind up with a lot of knocks on the noggin, and that causes mental retardation, which leads to the stereotype that Talls are dumb, which is mostly untrue.

Twist the knife society, twist the knife.

   Pizza Ranch, a midwestern pizza chain apparently founded on the notion of serving such vast expanses of pizza that the pizza must be managed by horseback, was visited Thursday night by local Des Moines couple, Matt and Laura Johanssen. "I couldn't wait to check out some some breadstick roping and barrel racing, while scarfing some freshly slaughtered pizza," Matt said. The couple had been planning to visit Pizza Ranch for several weeks. "We kept driving by and saying 'we should really go there' ", Laura said.

    Upon entry, the epically curious patrons were greeted by Shyann the Ranch Hand, who presented the standard options: order off the menu or eat from the "Mile-Long Buffet". The couple opted to graze from the buffet, despite the fact that the other 5,274 feet of it seemed to be missing. They also opted for the 'Bottomless Cantina' for infinite refreshment at the Pepsi Watering Hole. Unfortunately, the pizza was less like choice-ranched pizza than greasy carrion, while the Pepsi was more like Coke. "We just didn't know if it should be called pizza", Matt said, referring to the ethics debate that ensued about whether the thin, sauced-up dough discs qualified for the title. Meanwhile, regulars to the "Ranch" stripped pan after pan to the bone. However, the salad bar remained large untouched, as evidenced by the spider webs spanning several buffet bins.

    However, the two restaurant-goers noted one positive: They did not under-dress, with Matt donning a tasseled leather vest, and Laura wearing a hat left over from Crocodile Dundee-alloween. In comparison, the majority of other patrons had poured themselves into very slimming XXXXL tshirts and sweatpants, "a far cry from traditional ranch attire", Laura complained. The evening was salvaged by lewdly decorating and coloring the children's activity sheet with multiple phalli. "And the chicken fries weren't bad", Matt added.

Pizza Ranch Locations

Great German philosopher....and notorious womanizer? Or notorious woman?

Parchment. American Apparel.

(Kearney, NE) Customers have grown to expect a certain kind of service from their local Pizza Huts: crappy service. Severely unattended tables and abandoned patrons are the norm at most of the national chain's establishments. Naive patrons unaccustomed to Pizza Hut protocol stand waiting, furtively trying to make eye contact with the "maitre d" who constantly prioritizes phone calls over actual human beings. Experienced clientele arrive with board games and thick novels.

  However, in Kearney, Nebraska, one franchisee is breaking with the status quo. "We've found that new customers generally respond better when they are attended to by waitstaff," says general manager Kyla Swanson. Swanson first got the idea for improving service after dining at a competitor's pizza par- lor. "They seemed to have hired employees proportional to the amount of work." The observation blew Swanson away, and she immediately hired an extra server, freeing up the current server/food prep engineer/maitre d/custodian to focus on food prep engineering, maitre d-ing, and custodial duties. "But it can be tough transition,” Swanson said. “At first a lot of our regular customers were kind of alarmed and uncomfortable when a waitress came right out."

 Local food-eater Eric Johnson had grown quite accustomed 30 minute waits for breadsticks and beverages. "I just assumed they were making the breadsticks from scratch," Johnson said. "ALL the way from scratch." Since the changeover, Johnson has now been served breadsticks in as little as 5 minutes after placing his order, causing him to question his previous assumptions.

 A long-time Pizza Huttian, Marvin Plaus, grew angry, apparently suffering from cognitive dissonance, and began cursing at the wait-staff. Plaus became convinced that he was on "some new reality show.” "I kept asking 'Where are the cameras? WHERE ARE THE $%^ing CAMERAS!?!" Plaus said. Other customers' ire was provoked when Doreen Smith, a new hire, accidentally interrupted a travel-size game of Monopoly by serving two large pizzas a full hour and a half earlier than expected. "At first I was excited when I saw their tip of a $500 bill," Smith recalled. "But as I was laughing my way to the bank, I got mugged." Despite these incidents, Swanson is confident that her regulars will adapt and keep coming back. “Our bathrooms are still gross,” she said, smiling. Swanson doesn't know how Corporate will react to the radical shift in business strategy, but her revenue has already shot up to almost break-even.

I'm not talking about normal hotel-motel vacations. Those are fine...just leave the bathroom door wide open and blast the toilet till you're dizzy. The hotel maids expect it (and are getting paid to clean the bathroom, so if you don't mess the bathroom, you're helping them get paid to do nothing, comrade), so who are you to disappoint?

No, I'm talking about vacations in which you are a guest in a friend or family member's abode. You don't have an open poop relationship like you do with the maid. It's the opposite. You've spent years at home, grunting and squatting in secret, using scents and exhaust fans to create the illusion that you are not a pooper, and (when friends visit) that your family is not poopers. Just like you juke and jive to avoid the hard irrefutable evidence that your parents are sexually active, you knowingly and willfully flush the orphaned brown floater that was left by an unknown pooper, and then promptly repress.

So you're not going to tarnish your perfect record with a mind-scarring butt spurt. Precautions must be considered. Stratagems employed. Here I will detail some popular approaches.

The best way to poop on vacation is to not poop. In practice, I've seen this successfully employed for nine days, while backpacking in Europe with a friend. Traveling in a foreign country can frighten the North American brown snake and it may be too timid to venture forth from its lair. Use this fear to your advantage. After a few poopless days you will become convinced that you have evolved beyond such gross and banal needs. Embrace your unicorn-like magic! But you must take care to not anger the unicorn that bestowed this power upon you...eat wisely, AVOID PRUNES AT ALL COSTS, and make unicorns tributes where possible. Coincidentally, the inventor of this method also fell violently ill to the point that he feared his own demise. Coincidences are sooo crazy!

If you fail to harness your poop chi, or if your vacation extends beyond nine days in duration, you must engage in furtive fecal acts. To avoid poop detection you must move (your bowels) while others cannot detect or reasonably assign blame for offending wafts of stink. Outdoors is your ally. Strategic farting can be used to release pressure and condense the poop for a quick strike. Set your alarm for 3:30am and slip in quietly for a nocturnal BM. Sheisse Nacht! Even though your residual gases will undoubtedly reek up the entire house, your host will be none-the-wiser. Much better than to bend and pervert dreams than reality. Double flush to ensure the kill.

Or do what I do...stay home.

I suppose you could say that everyone has an El Guapo. For some, shyness may be an El Guapo. For others, lack of education may be an El Guapo. But for us, El Guapo is a large ugly man who wants to kill us!

Classics never die.

Gold. American Apparel.

Here we see Boof coping with the cold, enjoying a nice roast after an heavy bout of genital licking.

But the Wooly Stiles ventures outside in the 20F weather to survey the scene and protect his house. What a little mister!