Just kidding—of course you don't even have one bidet! Your fear of the unknown has kept you isolated and troglodytic. Don't worry, bidets are more scared of you than you are of them. Seriously. I'm here to tell you that the only thing you have to fear is your rear itself. Ha! But seriously, bidets are probably the most underrated bathroom appliance since the bathroom monkey.

Americans throw away 11 million tons of “tainted” (rimshot) underwear each year. Compare this to the 152 pairs tossed in France, a country awash in bidets, and you'll see one reason to hop aboard. But I understand: you're still scared of what you don't know. A brief history will embolden you! Bidets were invented in the late 17th or early 18th century in France by some unknown genius. Speculation indicates that it was likely the royal furniture maker during that time. Also, bidet is a French word for “pony” (and in Old French, bider meant to trot). This etymology comes from the fact that one bestrides or rides a bidet much like one does a pony. I smell a remix, Ginuwine!

Bidets work by shooting a gentle stream of water into the air; think perverted water fountain for your butt. AND on more modern ass fountains, there are blow dryers built right in, so you don't even have to murder trees, you heartless a-hole. Some companies like Advanced Toilets (www.advancedtoilets.com) have integrated the miracle device into a regular old porcelain throne. Simply replace your sports-themed toilet seat with the Lotus 907 PureStream and you’ll never leave the bathroom again.

At this point you may be wondering about details such as, “how will I know when I'm clean....down there?” Traditional TP gives you a visual readout, but the bidet has no such gauge (yet). So, there is a training period where you may have to test with a ply or two until you grok butt rinsing. Now go out there and start living!

Disclaimer: The author of this piece has never used a bidet. The closest he has come to a bidet was when he watched Crocodile Dundee.