Pizza Ranch, a midwestern pizza chain apparently founded on the notion of serving such vast expanses of pizza that the pizza must be managed by horseback, was visited Thursday night by local Des Moines couple, Matt and Laura Johanssen. "I couldn't wait to check out some some breadstick roping and barrel racing, while scarfing some freshly slaughtered pizza," Matt said. The couple had been planning to visit Pizza Ranch for several weeks. "We kept driving by and saying 'we should really go there' ", Laura said.

    Upon entry, the epically curious patrons were greeted by Shyann the Ranch Hand, who presented the standard options: order off the menu or eat from the "Mile-Long Buffet". The couple opted to graze from the buffet, despite the fact that the other 5,274 feet of it seemed to be missing. They also opted for the 'Bottomless Cantina' for infinite refreshment at the Pepsi Watering Hole. Unfortunately, the pizza was less like choice-ranched pizza than greasy carrion, while the Pepsi was more like Coke. "We just didn't know if it should be called pizza", Matt said, referring to the ethics debate that ensued about whether the thin, sauced-up dough discs qualified for the title. Meanwhile, regulars to the "Ranch" stripped pan after pan to the bone. However, the salad bar remained large untouched, as evidenced by the spider webs spanning several buffet bins.

    However, the two restaurant-goers noted one positive: They did not under-dress, with Matt donning a tasseled leather vest, and Laura wearing a hat left over from Crocodile Dundee-alloween. In comparison, the majority of other patrons had poured themselves into very slimming XXXXL tshirts and sweatpants, "a far cry from traditional ranch attire", Laura complained. The evening was salvaged by lewdly decorating and coloring the children's activity sheet with multiple phalli. "And the chicken fries weren't bad", Matt added.

Pizza Ranch Locations