You’ve all heard of regular discrimination, like when you learn that someone is from Mexico. Well, I'm here to tell you about another kind of discrimination that you may not have heard about. Tallscrimination, or the discrimination against Talls, occurs when a member of society is much taller than the other members of society and then that member suffers because of nothing they did. There are a bunch of symptoms so I’ll just tell them all.

    One thing you might not think of is that often beds are too short for Talls. Their feet hang off the edge and get all cold because they are exposed—and their feet already don't get enough blood because Talls have worse circulation than normies (normal people). One solution to this is that you put a chair with pillows on it at the foot of the bed. But this can lead to embarrassment when guests are given tours of your house.

    It is also hard on your posture; nothing is right for a Tall. Either your are ducking under basketball hoops or bending down to get things off the top of the fridge. This makes a straight spine nearly impossible and requires several visits to the chiropractor, where you are charged for the extension they have to put on the examination table.

    Sometimes the Talls are afflicted by nudity due to clothing shortages. Other times the Talls suffer from “Angel Falls Syndrome,” when their urine stream is mistaken for the tallest waterfall in the world. This affects mainly male Talls. Oh and one last thing. When you’re a Tall, lots of things are too low for your head and you wind up with a lot of knocks on the noggin, and that causes mental retardation, which leads to the stereotype that Talls are dumb, which is mostly untrue.

Twist the knife society, twist the knife.

My Carcass

You can have my carcass,
I haven't promised it to science.
Yet.
But dibs have already been called by my cat.
As I lay, eyes shut, on the floor,
She sniffs my face, detects my breath,
and licks her lips,
savoring the future taste of my face.
But if you want,
you can still have my carcass.
My cat won't litigate,
She'll only curse you with a half-hearted hiss,
and jog past you,
abandoning her claim.

   Pizza Ranch, a midwestern pizza chain apparently founded on the notion of serving such vast expanses of pizza that the pizza must be managed by horseback, was visited Thursday night by local Des Moines couple, Matt and Laura Johanssen. "I couldn't wait to check out some some breadstick roping and barrel racing, while scarfing some freshly slaughtered pizza," Matt said. The couple had been planning to visit Pizza Ranch for several weeks. "We kept driving by and saying 'we should really go there' ", Laura said.

    Upon entry, the epically curious patrons were greeted by Shyann the Ranch Hand, who presented the standard options: order off the menu or eat from the "Mile-Long Buffet". The couple opted to graze from the buffet, despite the fact that the other 5,274 feet of it seemed to be missing. They also opted for the 'Bottomless Cantina' for infinite refreshment at the Pepsi Watering Hole. Unfortunately, the pizza was less like choice-ranched pizza than greasy carrion, while the Pepsi was more like Coke. "We just didn't know if it should be called pizza", Matt said, referring to the ethics debate that ensued about whether the thin, sauced-up dough discs qualified for the title. Meanwhile, regulars to the "Ranch" stripped pan after pan to the bone. However, the salad bar remained large untouched, as evidenced by the spider webs spanning several buffet bins.

    However, the two restaurant-goers noted one positive: They did not under-dress, with Matt donning a tasseled leather vest, and Laura wearing a hat left over from Crocodile Dundee-alloween. In comparison, the majority of other patrons had poured themselves into very slimming XXXXL tshirts and sweatpants, "a far cry from traditional ranch attire", Laura complained. The evening was salvaged by lewdly decorating and coloring the children's activity sheet with multiple phalli. "And the chicken fries weren't bad", Matt added.

Pizza Ranch Locations

(Kearney, NE) Customers have grown to expect a certain kind of service from their local Pizza Huts: crappy service. Severely unattended tables and abandoned patrons are the norm at most of the national chain's establishments. Naive patrons unaccustomed to Pizza Hut protocol stand waiting, furtively trying to make eye contact with the "maitre d" who constantly prioritizes phone calls over actual human beings. Experienced clientele arrive with board games and thick novels.

  However, in Kearney, Nebraska, one franchisee is breaking with the status quo. "We've found that new customers generally respond better when they are attended to by waitstaff," says general manager Kyla Swanson. Swanson first got the idea for improving service after dining at a competitor's pizza par- lor. "They seemed to have hired employees proportional to the amount of work." The observation blew Swanson away, and she immediately hired an extra server, freeing up the current server/food prep engineer/maitre d/custodian to focus on food prep engineering, maitre d-ing, and custodial duties. "But it can be tough transition,” Swanson said. “At first a lot of our regular customers were kind of alarmed and uncomfortable when a waitress came right out."

 Local food-eater Eric Johnson had grown quite accustomed 30 minute waits for breadsticks and beverages. "I just assumed they were making the breadsticks from scratch," Johnson said. "ALL the way from scratch." Since the changeover, Johnson has now been served breadsticks in as little as 5 minutes after placing his order, causing him to question his previous assumptions.

 A long-time Pizza Huttian, Marvin Plaus, grew angry, apparently suffering from cognitive dissonance, and began cursing at the wait-staff. Plaus became convinced that he was on "some new reality show.” "I kept asking 'Where are the cameras? WHERE ARE THE $%^ing CAMERAS!?!" Plaus said. Other customers' ire was provoked when Doreen Smith, a new hire, accidentally interrupted a travel-size game of Monopoly by serving two large pizzas a full hour and a half earlier than expected. "At first I was excited when I saw their tip of a $500 bill," Smith recalled. "But as I was laughing my way to the bank, I got mugged." Despite these incidents, Swanson is confident that her regulars will adapt and keep coming back. “Our bathrooms are still gross,” she said, smiling. Swanson doesn't know how Corporate will react to the radical shift in business strategy, but her revenue has already shot up to almost break-even.

Just kidding—of course you don't even have one bidet! Your fear of the unknown has kept you isolated and troglodytic. Don't worry, bidets are more scared of you than you are of them. Seriously. I'm here to tell you that the only thing you have to fear is your rear itself. Ha! But seriously, bidets are probably the most underrated bathroom appliance since the bathroom monkey.

Americans throw away 11 million tons of “tainted” (rimshot) underwear each year. Compare this to the 152 pairs tossed in France, a country awash in bidets, and you'll see one reason to hop aboard. But I understand: you're still scared of what you don't know. A brief history will embolden you! Bidets were invented in the late 17th or early 18th century in France by some unknown genius. Speculation indicates that it was likely the royal furniture maker during that time. Also, bidet is a French word for “pony” (and in Old French, bider meant to trot). This etymology comes from the fact that one bestrides or rides a bidet much like one does a pony. I smell a remix, Ginuwine!

Bidets work by shooting a gentle stream of water into the air; think perverted water fountain for your butt. AND on more modern ass fountains, there are blow dryers built right in, so you don't even have to murder trees, you heartless a-hole. Some companies like Advanced Toilets (www.advancedtoilets.com) have integrated the miracle device into a regular old porcelain throne. Simply replace your sports-themed toilet seat with the Lotus 907 PureStream and you’ll never leave the bathroom again.

At this point you may be wondering about details such as, “how will I know when I'm clean....down there?” Traditional TP gives you a visual readout, but the bidet has no such gauge (yet). So, there is a training period where you may have to test with a ply or two until you grok butt rinsing. Now go out there and start living!

Disclaimer: The author of this piece has never used a bidet. The closest he has come to a bidet was when he watched Crocodile Dundee.

Have you been feeling all clogged up? Your head won't stop aching and eyes throb? And your ears just won't start bleeding? And your sinuses are filled with delicious vanilla pudding? From the makers of Ipecac, Ex-lax, ExsanguiNightTime, YellowDawn, but not Metamusil, comes a brand new drug, that will pop open every little opening that's keepin' your liquids in:

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. Oriflush works by opening your body's orifices! It'll open orifices that you might not know you even have:

• The nostrils, for breathing and the associated sense of smell.
• The eyes, for the sense of sight and crying.
• The mouth, for eating, breathing, and vocalizations such as speech.
• The ear canals, for the sense of hearing.
• The anus, for defecation.
• The urethra, for urination, and, in males, ejaculation.
• In females, the vagina, for sexual intercourse, menstruation and childbirth.
• Orifices of nipples
• Orifices of sweat glands
• Navel or belly button left over from placental mammals after birth.

Oriflush

unlock your body's fluids